And The Pendulum Swings.

I'm happy...

...but I'm completely miserable.

Life's going awesome...

...but everything sucks and I couldn't hate myself more.

Perhaps I should explain.

As most readers should know, or at least be able to deduce, it's been a while since my last post. I mentioned about three posts ago how things were beginning to look up in the way of my transgender 'issues', and they did. I went and had an appointment at the clinic everything went great, and then that's where it all began to fall apart.

I had my sneaking suspicions, Mum acting the way she was about it, that she was hoping an appointment and actually talking to someone would deter me from going any further, and oh how right I was. An insult to my intelligence and a waste of my time. Like I haven't dealt with this shit for Sol knows how long, it took me long enough to admit it to her, now she teases me with this 'Oh here's what you wan-YOINK SORRY BUT NO' bullshit. I know that's not how she intended it to be and I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not, but fuck Mum, that shit was unintentionally cruel.

I have a lot of trouble admitting this, but hey, why hide the truth. I hate myself more and more as each day goes by. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself or have to look ay myself in a mirror, I'm just filled with immense sorrow, extreme anger, severe self-hatred, and it all points inwards. It's not healthy and I hate it because I know what could fix this, but when I feel this I just feel selfish. I don't have the money to pay for appointments or meds, but I don't expect anyone to have to pay for me, I'd just feel bad. I'm just bitter over the opportunity being fully presented and then snatched away. It brings me to tears.

All I can blame is myself for being what I am, and I know I shouldn't, but the way I'm treated, and people like me with gender issues, makes me feel alienated, different, like some kind of patient that's kinda sick but only wants a cure. I'm not sick, I don't have dysphoria (to a medical extent), I'm just a girl. Why can't I just be a girl?

On a lighter note, I'm not alone in my constant struggle to hold onto the silver lining. A relationship born from alcoholism and a mutual view on gender binaries, with impeccable timing, possibly saving me from another mental breakdown. I don't really want to go too much into it, I don't wanna look like I'm bragging, but I have some happiness in my life that I can relax around. If there's anything I need right now it's to be able to relax and forget about everything, especially seeing as TAFE is back on.

Life is good, but shit's fucked. I still hate myself but I don't feel alone and distant.
'til next time.
Mat.