Uncomfortable.

My mum may not be quite as comfortable with my gender issues as I once thought. Not to say that's a bad thing, she's a parent, I'm the first born boy, I feel bad enough for that as it is, but the fact that the subject is so eagerly avoided and brushed over goes down highly unappreciated on my end.

I have a huge problem with bringing up issues about anything, I feel like I've been treated like the boy who cried wolf in a sense that I've had so many issues that bringing it up is like "Oh, just another fucking 'issue' again", like what I say about how I feel has little to no validity. The 'it's just you being a teenager, you'll outgrow it' approach seemed to be the main approach to all my problems, which by the way, never helped, and at times just made things worse.

I've learned to deal with a lot (or almost all) of issues entirely on my own, I don't like to go to people and bother them with my shit, a habit developed from feeling like I was never taken seriously by Mum. I can empathise with other people and it's given me the ability to be able to listen much better, but when it comes to caring for myself and sorting my issues out, I almost refuse help, and at times I've idiotically completely ignored it.

I can forgive Mum for not helping me out (mentally) throughout my teen years, some of my problems were just dumb teen problems, but I wasn't exactly a normal teen, so teen problems were few and far apart, but not talking about my most serious problem to date and seemingly (though probably not) the beginning of a series of the hardest issues I'm going to have to go through kinda hurts me more than the fact that she doesn't want to talk about it.

I mean, yes I have some solid friends who have come to me and said they're there for me whenever, and I appreciate it so much, but I have a hard time being able to talk to them about it. I don't imagine it's simply because I can't talk about it comfortably with my mum, but she was there for me all my life, more so than Dad was, not to say he's not a great dad, he's just not the emotional type, at all. The fact that she actually can't help me makes me feel entirely helpless, which is dumb, because I'm not.

The fact that I also lost most of my friends a few years back and only had one person to confide in kinda fucked me up a bit mentally, especially due to what was going on at the time. No names, but if I could talk to said person in a relaxed environment where everything between us was cool, I'd probably actually be really happy, not this fake happy I've figured out how to live with (what a fuckin' emo).

I'm lost, I'm scared, I feel alone, but I try to keep a happy face, even if it is just a mask. If I've learned anything from the last five years it's that pretending to be happy is heaps easier than actually being sad. Well, at least from a social standpoint.

Fuck, all I seems to be fucking talking about is my gender shit. I wouldn't be surprised if you all stopped coming here.

'til the next time I feel bored and depressed.
Mat.

Impatience.

Long time no type, blah blah usual spiel, I'm talking 'bout tranny stuff this time, and there's nothing you can do about it.

So just enjoy it, it'll be over soon.

Also, quick recap for those who don't know, I've not so recently come out as transgendered. Not much else to explain. If you wanna know more read some posts from here forward. Let's move on.

Generally as a person, I practice patience. In a world where everything is almost instant, patience seems like a humble virtue to hold, but lately I've been growing impatient towards the advancement of my gender issues. I've gone through all the red tape, done all the tests, filled out the forms, done all I can do and all that's left to do is to sit here and wait until my information gets processed.

Now it's not like I sent out the the forms out yesterday, like I said, the whole patience thing, but nothing is testing me so hard than waiting to hear about my gender shit. I just wanna know something, talk to someone, it's not healthy me only being able to think about it on my own to myself all the time. I suppose the only healthy thought that have come from me thinking within myself is the reassurance that I strongly desire to be a girl.

With school being near it's end, things aren't exactly calm in my head. My brain's in overdrive with little to very little sleep. I don't like it. I don't like a lot of what's going on right now, but I've gotta deal with it, it's not like I do anything that warrants me being able to do things I like. Oh yeah did I mention that my emotions are also spazzing out. I'm not sure I'll ever grow out of being a teenager.

It's not like I'm sad all the time, when I'm doing things I'm happy (which I imagine is distracting me from myself) such as working on music and a website with my cousins, more word on that when it's more of a thing, but I'm sad much more often than I should be. But when I do this kinda stuff it kinda just feels like I'm all 'WAH I'M SO SAD EVERYBODY GIVE ME SYMPATHY AND/OR EMPATHY COZ I'M THE LONELIEST EVER BOOHOO WOE IS ME', which I'm not, I cannot stress that enough. I hate that kind of shit and I fear coming across that way, but at times I just need some help, a hug, a cuddle, an ear, just something comforting to help me out.

I suppose I haven't really 'dressed up' in a long time either.

I need to chill out more, but all this crap keeps building up at the back of my mind. Hopefully someone can help me out.

If you read this, I already love you.
Thanks.
Mat.