Thinking about that kinda stuff just tends to make me feel like a deadbeat, which naturally is unhealthy, but really, I've had one job since school, which I got fired from. Compared to the places most of them are at, it just makes me feel down. I suppose it's not too surprising though. Even in school, I never cared enough about anything.
Low self esteem is most certainly something I've suffered with all my life, and paired with my lack of ability to give much of a fuck, I can tend to get sweeping moments of depression and anxiety, paired with just as short-lived moments of completely happiness and assurance. My days fluctuate between these two polar extremes without warning, all it takes is something to trigger my brain and it can either be super positive or super negative.
Comparing this, and overemotional wreck who's personality still belongs in it's teens, to these nice normal neutral humans makes me feel like I may turn out to be completely hopeless. Sol knows I'm no good at anything academic, I just wasn't built that way, which tend to lead me to question how for my creativity can go and what constitutes true creativity, but that's a whole other thing.
Comparing this, and overemotional wreck who's personality still belongs in it's teens, to these nice normal neutral humans makes me feel like I may turn out to be completely hopeless. Sol knows I'm no good at anything academic, I just wasn't built that way, which tend to lead me to question how for my creativity can go and what constitutes true creativity, but that's a whole other thing.
But in the end, it doesn't make me feel down. Sure, I may be 20, still living at home, not driving a car, being a struggling musician and all that pathetic shit, but at least I'm not boring (at least I hope not). I can push the blame on what or who put me off track in all kinds of directions, but now, I've actually had time to think, find myself, or at least the beginnings of myself, and now I'm following my true passion, searching for happiness, which in life is what matters most.
Now I start talking about happiness and finding myself, and it makes want to rant about all my inner thoughts on my gender issues as of late, but I don't want this to turn into that kind of mushy emotional 'I'm so sad' things again, but please, if you have an ear to lend (and by that I mean an ear, not a computer screen, typing really doesn't constitute for venting anymore), I'd love someone to talk to properly, get a bit high and just let loose. Of course I would be eternally grateful and I'm always an open ear, I'd never expect someone to have to hear all my emotional discharge without some form of thanks.
Anywho, enough of that.
'til next time,
'til next time,
Mat.
