Long Time, No Type...

I've been wondering about the futility of posting my problems online. I feel like this is just whispering into a vacuous black hole where theres a chance someone might read, but an even slighter chance that person might be someone who can help.

I know I may sound somewhat depressed to start off with, which admittedly, I have been on and off for a few weeks. An incredible sense of absolute loneliness has been haunting my mind as of recent. I feel as if I've trapped myself in a sound proofed cupboard in the middle of the ocean from time to time. I know it has to do with my own issues with the now no where near recent breakup.

With that said, I'd like to say I'm not really depressed despite the last three sentences. I'd like to say everything going on in my life is near perfect. I'm learning stuff that I actually enjoy, I've successfully started on a career path that makes me happy and allows me to help other people in turn making others happy, I finally get to meet the girl I've been waiting far to long for, my parents (or at least Mum) has come to terms with my bi-sexuality and my bi-genderism, yet somehow, I don't feel... right...

I have issues, and one of those issues is the issue itself. I have issues with having issues. I'm aware that one of my personal issues is an increased sense of guilt. I tend to blame myself for a lot of things, and that I rarely do much right, I've come to terms with this to an extent. Where it all begins is that I feel guilty for having issues in the first place. I'm a white suburban child living in a upper (maybe upper, maybe general, I don't have much experience in identifying social classes) middle class house with a loving pair of parents. I have no reason to be complaining about anything. I should be happy with my comfortable lifestyle.

When it's all put into perspective, I don't feel I have a right to complain. I don't know, when I read it back it all sounds stupid, which is another issue I have with myself, my inability to properly explain anything. From the plot of a movie to my own personal problems, I feel that my words lack true conviction, like the boy who cried wolf, I've had so many issues and problems that now having them now is all 'Oh he has more things going on, whoop de freakin' do, not this bullshit again, don't care any more' if that makes sense.

I recently spent a night talking to myself, in which I decided that talking to myself was the stupidest thing I could be doing, all the while still talking to myself, sadly I was pretending to record a message for... well an old friend, about my true feelings about this person, and how stupid I was, essentially words filled with regret, frustration, anger, lots of negative things, which ended in me shedding a tear on how lonely I really was.

I don't know how lonely I am. I have my girlfriend, I have my band, I have my cousins and a few friends. There are people here that I like and some like me back, it's nice. Sadly, I have no-one here that's I can talk to anymore. I used to have someone who I could talk to for hours on end, about anything with complete comfort, but well... lets just say that we don't talk anymore. At all. I need someone to be able to talk about my gender issues with, someone that I can be comfortable around, someone I can go shopping with, be completely girly one second and manly the next.

I don't have anyone like that, and it makes me feel alone. I blame myself for putting me in this position.

I don't hate my life, I just hate myself, sometimes.

But, oh well, I should be happy, so that's what I'll try to be, until one day, I won't have to pretend.