Doublin' Down, Hit Me.

21.

A milestone? Nah. An achievement? Considering my diet and the way I live, yeah kinda. Worth celebrating? Maybe.

Today I enter my third decade of residing on planet Earth.

Just another day in between the past and future.

Viva la Resolution

I stopped making new years resolutions a thing a long time, back when I came to realise I'd generally forget what they were by the time February had come, but something has come over me, compelling me to try just one more time.

I'm not sure what it could be that compels me. Me turning 21? Being out of school for three years and achieving little to nothing? Being so bored I'm content with walking headfirst into everything? It could be any of these things, or a multitude of other nonsensical and ridiculous reasons, but the fact remains, I feel like making a resolution. The only ones I've had in the past that I can remember were just becoming a more peaceful and humble person, which I think turned out not too bad, but who am I to say.

But you don't care about my old ones, you're reading and thinking "Just hurry up and tell your stupid new resolution so I can be on my way.", and I'd say I'm getting better at mind reading... Bad joke, okay. But in some seriousness (not all, we can't have too much seriousness in here, my other posts would get jealous), I feel that as an artist, saying this in the least pretentious way possible, I haven't been arty enough. My creative mojo has been living with a drought, most likely due to an excess of 'creative stimulants' the kids these days like to share around. This creative drought has left me feeling pointless, drained, bored and just all around majorly 'meh'.

So naturally, to cure this I must remedy this somehow, which gets me to my resolution. 2013 will mark the beginning of my somewhat but not overly pretentious and annoying arty era, or MSBNOPAE for short (still working on a name for it, but it's art, that's perfectly acceptable). Gonna put my creative in a jumpstart, push out some tracks and albums, maybe work on drawing and get back into the whole design thing. I'll still be me, the humble but sometimes overemotional tranny, but now I'll just be taking pictures of myself claiming it to be 'part of a piece'.

So yes, 2013, expect more art from me, but don't really 'coz I suck a resolutions.

Also, someone give me some questions or some topics or something, by the end of the year all I've really got to talk about is christmas and that I'm getting older, it'd be mad boring for you guys.

'til next time,
Mat.

Punny Disposition.

Right now I'm not sure if I'm in the kind of mood to be blurting out words that poorly attempt to reflect my emotional status. Not that I'm sad, I just haven't had this feeling for a while. I'd like to think I may just be becoming more of a humble person, but probably not.

Alright, talking about how I can't talk is boring, here goes nothing.

If anything, I've been happy most recently. Being social and chilling out has highly improved my overall state of mind, which, of course, is good. I can't deny that I've struck a bit of luck with the company I've chosen to keep. If so, I'm not sure if the whole going out thing would be half as fun. So my head's in the right place for a while, which is great, especially seeing as the whole gender clinic waiting ordeal has been sorted. In mid January I finally get to actually start what I started almost a year ago (December 5th, so pretty much actually a year, oh gosh).

They're lucky I'm a patient person, otherwise not telling me I had an appointment in August might have really pissed me off.

It looks like this one's gonna be a short one.

Uncomfortable.

My mum may not be quite as comfortable with my gender issues as I once thought. Not to say that's a bad thing, she's a parent, I'm the first born boy, I feel bad enough for that as it is, but the fact that the subject is so eagerly avoided and brushed over goes down highly unappreciated on my end.

I have a huge problem with bringing up issues about anything, I feel like I've been treated like the boy who cried wolf in a sense that I've had so many issues that bringing it up is like "Oh, just another fucking 'issue' again", like what I say about how I feel has little to no validity. The 'it's just you being a teenager, you'll outgrow it' approach seemed to be the main approach to all my problems, which by the way, never helped, and at times just made things worse.

I've learned to deal with a lot (or almost all) of issues entirely on my own, I don't like to go to people and bother them with my shit, a habit developed from feeling like I was never taken seriously by Mum. I can empathise with other people and it's given me the ability to be able to listen much better, but when it comes to caring for myself and sorting my issues out, I almost refuse help, and at times I've idiotically completely ignored it.

I can forgive Mum for not helping me out (mentally) throughout my teen years, some of my problems were just dumb teen problems, but I wasn't exactly a normal teen, so teen problems were few and far apart, but not talking about my most serious problem to date and seemingly (though probably not) the beginning of a series of the hardest issues I'm going to have to go through kinda hurts me more than the fact that she doesn't want to talk about it.

I mean, yes I have some solid friends who have come to me and said they're there for me whenever, and I appreciate it so much, but I have a hard time being able to talk to them about it. I don't imagine it's simply because I can't talk about it comfortably with my mum, but she was there for me all my life, more so than Dad was, not to say he's not a great dad, he's just not the emotional type, at all. The fact that she actually can't help me makes me feel entirely helpless, which is dumb, because I'm not.

The fact that I also lost most of my friends a few years back and only had one person to confide in kinda fucked me up a bit mentally, especially due to what was going on at the time. No names, but if I could talk to said person in a relaxed environment where everything between us was cool, I'd probably actually be really happy, not this fake happy I've figured out how to live with (what a fuckin' emo).

I'm lost, I'm scared, I feel alone, but I try to keep a happy face, even if it is just a mask. If I've learned anything from the last five years it's that pretending to be happy is heaps easier than actually being sad. Well, at least from a social standpoint.

Fuck, all I seems to be fucking talking about is my gender shit. I wouldn't be surprised if you all stopped coming here.

'til the next time I feel bored and depressed.
Mat.

Impatience.

Long time no type, blah blah usual spiel, I'm talking 'bout tranny stuff this time, and there's nothing you can do about it.

So just enjoy it, it'll be over soon.

Also, quick recap for those who don't know, I've not so recently come out as transgendered. Not much else to explain. If you wanna know more read some posts from here forward. Let's move on.

Generally as a person, I practice patience. In a world where everything is almost instant, patience seems like a humble virtue to hold, but lately I've been growing impatient towards the advancement of my gender issues. I've gone through all the red tape, done all the tests, filled out the forms, done all I can do and all that's left to do is to sit here and wait until my information gets processed.

Now it's not like I sent out the the forms out yesterday, like I said, the whole patience thing, but nothing is testing me so hard than waiting to hear about my gender shit. I just wanna know something, talk to someone, it's not healthy me only being able to think about it on my own to myself all the time. I suppose the only healthy thought that have come from me thinking within myself is the reassurance that I strongly desire to be a girl.

With school being near it's end, things aren't exactly calm in my head. My brain's in overdrive with little to very little sleep. I don't like it. I don't like a lot of what's going on right now, but I've gotta deal with it, it's not like I do anything that warrants me being able to do things I like. Oh yeah did I mention that my emotions are also spazzing out. I'm not sure I'll ever grow out of being a teenager.

It's not like I'm sad all the time, when I'm doing things I'm happy (which I imagine is distracting me from myself) such as working on music and a website with my cousins, more word on that when it's more of a thing, but I'm sad much more often than I should be. But when I do this kinda stuff it kinda just feels like I'm all 'WAH I'M SO SAD EVERYBODY GIVE ME SYMPATHY AND/OR EMPATHY COZ I'M THE LONELIEST EVER BOOHOO WOE IS ME', which I'm not, I cannot stress that enough. I hate that kind of shit and I fear coming across that way, but at times I just need some help, a hug, a cuddle, an ear, just something comforting to help me out.

I suppose I haven't really 'dressed up' in a long time either.

I need to chill out more, but all this crap keeps building up at the back of my mind. Hopefully someone can help me out.

If you read this, I already love you.
Thanks.
Mat.

An Experiment.

Today I conducted a little experiment on myself.

I wanted to test whether my gender issues were just a vanity issue, if it was me just liking to wear women's clothing or whether I truly felt uncomfortable in my male mould.

Usually I'll dress myself in a very feminine way, women's tight jeans (which really isn't too uncommon in guys), androgynous upper attire and such. I rarely wear anything that makes me look overly 'male', so I thought perhaps if I were to dress like a regular normal guy for a day again, especially after all these deep soul searching sessions, would if effect me?

In short, I wore guys clothes again to see what feels it gave me.

I was legitimately surprised at how depressed it actually made me feel. I'm not quite sure if that says anything about how vain I am or how much I care about outward appearance, but whenever I caught a glimpse of myself throughout the day, I just didn't feel quite right. I was worried about being viewed as 'just a guy on the other side of the station', the 'boy' that just walked past, you get the idea.

Good thing t-shirts are unisex to an extent otherwise my wardrobe would be fucked.

If anything, this confirms my gender issues and how I feel towards myself. It doesn't confirm everything, most certainly not, there are so many issues to get through in this Sol-forsaken head of mine, but it makes me feel better just that little bit, and if there's anything I really need these days, it's happiness.

Comparison.

It seems that having this blog makes me come to a lot of conclusions, but recently my thought have been focused on how my life has progressed since school compared to the friends and peers from then.

Thinking about that kinda stuff just tends to make me feel like a deadbeat, which naturally is unhealthy, but really, I've had one job since school, which I got fired from. Compared to the places most of them are at, it just makes me feel down. I suppose it's not too surprising though. Even in school, I never cared enough about anything.

Low self esteem is most certainly something I've suffered with all my life, and paired with my lack of ability to give much of a fuck, I can tend to get sweeping moments of depression and anxiety, paired with just as short-lived moments of completely happiness and assurance. My days fluctuate between these two polar extremes without warning, all it takes is something to trigger my brain and it can either be super positive or super negative.

Comparing this, and overemotional wreck who's personality still belongs in it's teens, to these nice normal neutral humans makes me feel like I may turn out to be completely hopeless. Sol knows I'm no good at anything academic, I just wasn't built that way, which tend to lead me to question how for my creativity can go and what constitutes true creativity, but that's a whole other thing.

But in the end, it doesn't make me feel down. Sure, I may be 20, still living at home, not driving a car, being a struggling musician and all that pathetic shit, but at least I'm not boring (at least I hope not). I can push the blame on what or who put me off track in all kinds of directions, but now, I've actually had time to think, find myself, or at least the beginnings of myself, and now I'm following my true passion, searching for happiness, which in life is what matters most.

Now I start talking about happiness and finding myself, and it makes want to rant about all my inner thoughts on my gender issues as of late, but I don't want this to turn into that kind of mushy emotional 'I'm so sad' things again, but please, if you have an ear to lend (and by that I mean an ear, not a computer screen, typing really doesn't constitute for venting anymore), I'd love someone to talk to properly, get a bit high and just let loose. Of course I would be eternally grateful and I'm always an open ear, I'd never expect someone to have to hear all my emotional discharge without some form of thanks.

Anywho, enough of that.
'til next time,

Mat.

Expected High Levels of THC.

Today I got my blood taken from me, but don't worry, it's a good thing.

Hopefully this will be the last step of my full medical examination and I'll finally be able to move on to the next steps of my whimsical gender journey. There is a point to this post though.

I used to absolutely hate needles, deadly afraid of them. Even up until about seventeen, the would scare the crap out of me. They still scare me a little but it's less the needle itself that I dislike now. I find that getting a needle is a very awkward situation. Not much conversation, creepy doctor room environment, I dunno, it's all weird to me.

Novice-crastination.

Today, the I came to terms with the fact that I suck at getting anything done. Be it something I hate (i.e. school work) or something I enjoy (i.e. solo music projects), I have serious problems with not being able to finish what I've started. Magenta Eyes hasn't really moved forward since I released the unmixed version of the first song.

This doesn't really warrant the time or energy for a blawg post (in which I'm having enough trouble trying to finish, thus proving my point further), but I need to start writing about something different. This place is becoming depressing.

Friends Don't Let Friends Get Depressed and Blawg.

So a day or two ago, I released and awfully depressing, self loathing, idiotic post. I apologise to anyone that read that, it came across as attention seeking and immature.

I haven't been coping with my recent stress very well and taking it out of my previous issues felt like the right thing to do after some depressing dreams and a severe lack of sleep. My life is pretty awesome right now, I've just been focusing on all my problems and all the bad things, which in turn fed my guilt complex sending me into a downward spiral of stress, depression and anxiety.

I also mentioned that I 'fucked up' in my previous relationship. In all truth, I don't know if I did, my guilt shrouds my perception of the whole situation and I end up blaming everything on myself. All I know now is that my current relationship is awesome and I don't regret anything about it. I love her more than anything, it's just sometimes the lack of an actual physical side brings me down do this point of loneliness that I end up blaming myself for.

That being said, I don't hate my ex either, I just wish she'd treat me with some respect after everything I did for her. I suppose one can't ask for miracles, but we can all wish.

But yes, Sorry for being a depressing emo.
I love you.
Mat.

Just A Little Update.

Howdy y'all.

Been a while. You know what? I say that almost every time, you probably get it by now, I don't post much. Let's move on.

So, a lot of ideas have been floating around since I last typed. The netlabel is plausibly going good, the musical creativity is flowing, the sound engineering course has been going swimmingly, everything's going pretty good as far as general life things go.

I'm not gonna make this another depressing trans-related blawg post, but I will say this. The progress has not moved very far since last time, I don't dig it one bit but it can't be helped. The urge to have a legitimate shopping day or something with some girls grows just a little bit each and every day, but this lack of money is really holding me back. I'm sad about that, but everything else is good so it outweighs all this, to an extent.

*sigh* Okay, back to other stuff.

So yeah, back to the ideas and creative flow and junk. Currently I've been having tonnes of fun recording stuff with Breastripper (A grindcore project involving my friends Dom and Mitch from school). Naturally, being grindcore, it's not exactly the most accessible music to everyone, but for us it's a lot of fun and good times and I'd appreciate you checking it out as silly as it may be.

Another idea that's been floating around is a collective blog between the notorious trio of cousins. Now of course, we've all seen how alternative and experimental blogs have turned out in the past, but this attempt sounds like it may end up a little different than previous attempts, and hopefully more successful. I don't want to give away too much info, just in case it never actually goes ahead, but if it does, expect quality content and broad variety.

Am Farrows (my main band) have been doing fairly well recently too. We've had some positive gigs recently, and we're also starting to develop a consistent series of gigs and events in which we play. It gets me very excited. Hopefully the band won't distract me too too much from everything else, or vice versa. Everything seems to have a pretty good balance right now. Hopefully we can get some shirts or something happening soon, a bit of money would be nice.

The label (Bear Fruit Records) has been developing slowly too, which I've enjoyed. As it goes now, I don't have much time to spend on it so having it slow moving fits in just fine with me. The roster is slowly growing as is the community. It's a good feel.

I dunno, I'm out of juice. I wanted to write a more philosophical, deep, inner blawg but I really just don't have it in me to get so emotional anymore, or at least emotional enough so that I can transform my thoughts into words intelligible to other humans. Of course, I still have these deep and meaningful thoughts in my head everyday, looking deep within myself to find answers to questions I haven't even thought of asking myself yet...

Yeah, I need some sleep I think.

Oh also, driving sucks, I hate it. So stressful. Not my dig.

Long Time, No Type...

I've been wondering about the futility of posting my problems online. I feel like this is just whispering into a vacuous black hole where theres a chance someone might read, but an even slighter chance that person might be someone who can help.

I know I may sound somewhat depressed to start off with, which admittedly, I have been on and off for a few weeks. An incredible sense of absolute loneliness has been haunting my mind as of recent. I feel as if I've trapped myself in a sound proofed cupboard in the middle of the ocean from time to time. I know it has to do with my own issues with the now no where near recent breakup.

With that said, I'd like to say I'm not really depressed despite the last three sentences. I'd like to say everything going on in my life is near perfect. I'm learning stuff that I actually enjoy, I've successfully started on a career path that makes me happy and allows me to help other people in turn making others happy, I finally get to meet the girl I've been waiting far to long for, my parents (or at least Mum) has come to terms with my bi-sexuality and my bi-genderism, yet somehow, I don't feel... right...

I have issues, and one of those issues is the issue itself. I have issues with having issues. I'm aware that one of my personal issues is an increased sense of guilt. I tend to blame myself for a lot of things, and that I rarely do much right, I've come to terms with this to an extent. Where it all begins is that I feel guilty for having issues in the first place. I'm a white suburban child living in a upper (maybe upper, maybe general, I don't have much experience in identifying social classes) middle class house with a loving pair of parents. I have no reason to be complaining about anything. I should be happy with my comfortable lifestyle.

When it's all put into perspective, I don't feel I have a right to complain. I don't know, when I read it back it all sounds stupid, which is another issue I have with myself, my inability to properly explain anything. From the plot of a movie to my own personal problems, I feel that my words lack true conviction, like the boy who cried wolf, I've had so many issues and problems that now having them now is all 'Oh he has more things going on, whoop de freakin' do, not this bullshit again, don't care any more' if that makes sense.

I recently spent a night talking to myself, in which I decided that talking to myself was the stupidest thing I could be doing, all the while still talking to myself, sadly I was pretending to record a message for... well an old friend, about my true feelings about this person, and how stupid I was, essentially words filled with regret, frustration, anger, lots of negative things, which ended in me shedding a tear on how lonely I really was.

I don't know how lonely I am. I have my girlfriend, I have my band, I have my cousins and a few friends. There are people here that I like and some like me back, it's nice. Sadly, I have no-one here that's I can talk to anymore. I used to have someone who I could talk to for hours on end, about anything with complete comfort, but well... lets just say that we don't talk anymore. At all. I need someone to be able to talk about my gender issues with, someone that I can be comfortable around, someone I can go shopping with, be completely girly one second and manly the next.

I don't have anyone like that, and it makes me feel alone. I blame myself for putting me in this position.

I don't hate my life, I just hate myself, sometimes.

But, oh well, I should be happy, so that's what I'll try to be, until one day, I won't have to pretend.

Hopefully It Will Have Been Worth The Wait.

It's been a while since I last updated, and things have been looking mostly up. Allow me to fill you in.

Firstly, I built up the courage to tell my parents about my gender issues, and to be honest, I think I was highly over reacting. It maybe made it to the top three most emotionally stressful times of my life, but nowhere near close to the most stressful, but that's another story we won't get into ever. At first, it was a tad awkward, but by now it's got to a point where it can be talked about almost comfortably (with Mum at least). I won't lie when I say I'm kinda proud of myself for confessing.

The support Mum has given me is amazing. I'm incredibly thankful to have a mum like her. I know she'll never really be comfortable with the whole thing, but without her I wouldn't be able to get through this. I hate to sound cheesy and mushy and all that, but she really is the best.

I'm coming very close to having a chance of receiving hormones, after booking appointments and getting referrals and all that complicated medical mumbo jumbo. Hopefully with a bit of luck, I'll be on my way to happiness.

With this new found confidence of mine, I managed to pull myself together, truly concentrate and got myself enrolled in a sound production course at Box Hill. This has only been the first week, but I really feel that this is the right course for me. I've always wanted to contribute as much as I can to the world of sound, but I know I can't be a master of all genres, as much I'd like to be, and as much as I try, no one man can have all that power, so learning how to record allows me to still be able to contribute something awesome by helping it get out there.

It makes me feel good that maybe one day I'll have helped someone who had real talent, and helped get their ideas heard. That makes me feel like I've done good.

In other news, that playlist blog idea I mentioned in my previous post is now up and running (or walking hurr hurr hurr), which you can find here under the name of Shuffled. The name's a bit lame but it's better than some lame ass alliteration. Hopefully all of you who are into music can come across something you dig now and then that you haven't heard. That's would make me feel good.

I'm not sure why but I have this strange obsession with spreading music around, I love getting people into something they might never have found themselves, it almost feels like I'm broadening their musical horizons just a little bit. I just love it.

The band is doing great, just yesterday I'd say we'd played one of our greatest shows ever. I missed having a legitimate crowd like Atlantis Is Burning did, but you know what? Am Farrows crowds are ten millions times cooler than AIB crowds because when I told an AIB crowd to move, the just readjusted their crossed arms and bobbed their heads a bit more, but when I signal an AF crowd to move, they fucking move. It's the best feeling. This is why I became a musician.

Also, I lost some weight and bought some androgynous clothes, I feel good about myself, better than I have for a long time. This most likely contributed to this new bout of confidence.

Other than that, things are going smoothly, I'd talk about the whole Brooklyn thing but I promised to be quiet about it on the internet so I'll stick to my word. I suppose if you wanna know my opinion on the whole thing, just ask me in person.

Also, Ash Hull is pretty cool now, I don't blame him anymore.

'til next time,
Mat (Yes, I'm going to stick with this new spelling, It's kinda andro, don't you think?)