Whine Whine Complain Blah.

I'm not going to lie, because lying on the internet is wrong and I don't understand why anyone would ever do it. But seriously, this is a no bull shit post. I'm not searching for pity, I'm not looking for attention, I just need to type this out and know it's out there. Okay, here we go.

I know this part may be not so pleasant to a certain reader so I'm just gonna get this one over and done quickly. It's very hard to forget about your ex when she's the one who got you the job you go to five days a week, nine to five, day in, day out. I spend some days thinking about whether I did the right thing, if I did the wrong thing, what things would be like if I hadn't broke things off. I know it's no good for me, and I know I can't go back, but knowing it's something I can't do just makes me wonder more. Drinking has become my solace it seems, a hole in which I never wished to fall into again, but sadly it's the only thing I can get away with while I'm still at home.

The fact we don't talk just makes it harder for me. I don't know how she is, I don't know if she's okay, I don't know if she really hates me... I feel pitiful just looking over what I'm typing. I need to be stronger, I need to get past this. I have things ahead of me that are new and bright and shining but the temptation to hold myself back found a damn good ball and chain to latch on to.

I miss the physical. I miss being able to touch someone, to have someone to hold. I know I have this in reserve for me in the future, but in such tough times for myself (which really is toughness I'm putting myself through), it really is killing me. As sad as it sounds, I really just want someone to hold, it doesn't even have to be sexual, just someone to give me a proper hug, a nice cuddle when we're tired, just something with someone so I'm not so alone.

I feel bad for bitching and complaining in a blawg in which I promised a scene related post, but really, I don't want to write another. I don't like the scene therefore I do not wish to draw more attention to it. Plain and simple.

There is something about this week that's really making me feel like utter shit. It kinda really started monday night, after band practice, in which I felt bad enough that I forgot it while making a promise to talk with Emmi that night. I had one thing to do, just record the set. I forgot to change the mic settings and the audio is all distorted and gross which really annoyed me after recording the whole set. Then everyone left without even a goodbye. Tops. Then Tuesday, thinking of Katie all day, then drinking all night. Then today just working non stop all day with constant reminder of how I'm there stabbing the back of my mind.

You might think 'If it's that distressing, leave the job.' and I would, if my dad wouldn't disown me for it. If I wasn't being encouraged to go for this apprenticeship in which I've been offered, I'd have probably left already.

I recently made the mistake of going through my 18th book that all my friends (if you could call most of them that) signed. So many bad memories came pouring back into my brain. Admittedly, there were some good ones, but for the most part, they weren't fun. 90% of the promises made in that book have already been broken.

I'm probably not done being a little emo bitch, and I hate writing this garbage as it really just takes away from my lingual capabilities, but as I said, need to get this out. I have people I need to talk to, places I should be. Fare thee well... For now.