As of recent, I’ve grown far too familiar to the comfort of my mattress. This corner of my room grows ever darker as I sit here, often awake until the small hours of the morning, allowing me to ponder in silence, to think without distraction, and yet, this has become a burden to me.
Over-thinking is a crime I am guilty of many times over. It’s in my nature not to talk aloud but in my head. Surely, you would think, this is certainly something not to complain about, and you would be correct. I’m not upset about who I am, I enjoy being able to sit and think for hours on end without becoming bored, but time after time it reaches a point in which the subject matter is something sensitive to me (eg; a previous relationship), or something stressful and overbearing (eg; explaining to my parents my extreme want for HRT), and it digs itself into my mind. No other thoughts are allowed through, as this thought bears extreme importance apparently, according to my emotional hormonal teenage brain.
Time spent in my bed is no longer just the time when I should be sleeping, but it has become a sanctuary of deep thought and consideration. These annoyingly loud and disruptive thoughts are messing with me, and effectively ruining my bed sheet laden safe haven. These bed springs comfort me, and always have, but I have come to fear the consequences of being somewhat… I suppose ‘too comfy’ is one way to put it.
The reason I brought this up is because, as I mentioned before, I wish to just come out to my parents about myself. I want to let them know who I am and what I want to be as a person. Sadly, it’s not as easy as sitting both of them down and blurting out everything I want them to know, or at least I don’t think it will be. The reason I’m lead to believe this is that Mum (the one whom I admittedly trust more when talking about personal thing) has and odd opinion when it come to my being bi-sexual. Essentially she believes that bi-sexuality doesn’t exist, you either love one or the other or you’re just being greedy. I’m not sure whether to laugh at her or take offence.
Deep down, it does hurt that she doesn’t believe what I believe I am exists, because in a way, she’s just saying that I’m making things up so I can get what I want, and no matter what kind of persuading I can try, she comes out on top because she’s lived more life and is more learned. She’s never really believed that I know anything important about myself because I’m too young to know anything yet, which is exactly why I hesitated so long to tell her in the first place, but even five years after, I still wasn’t ‘old enough’ to really know anything.
This is why I don’t want to inform her of my bi-genderism, because if I hear her say anything to the likes of ‘You’re not old enough to know those kinds of things’, I will have to restrain myself from slapping her, and even if I were to, I’m sure to her it would seem like a silly child having a tantrum because it doesn’t get it’s way.
As for telling Dad, that territory is a vast landscape of unknown. For all I know it could be a perfectly nice open meadow, completely calm, or it could be a total minefield where taking one step could be the last, a complete mess. I still rely on my dad for a lot of things, mainly money due to my extreme bout of unemployment, and I’m completely aware that when it comes to trying to understand me, he is at a loss. We aren’t two minds that see eye to eye very often.
If he were to know that I were bi-gender, let alone just bi-sexual, I seriously have no idea what would happen, but if I were to word to him that I want to be both genders physically, I feel that he would focus on the word ‘want’ and twist it to make it seem like it’s another one of those things I simply just want. I may be generalising his actions a bit, but that is my fear as of recent. This what has been racking my brain.
In summary, I feel that Mum won’t accept the existence of my mental state and Dad won’t be able to understand it at all, and that scares me a lot. I suppose I’ll never know if that’s true or not until I bring it up.
If you have any questions about anything, please don't hesitate to ask, I’m happy to answer anything, within reason of course.
‘til next time.
Matt
I think you underestimate your parents. I mean, the reactions you get from them stem from their not knowing who you are. Which stems from you not sharing. Which stems from what you think they think. And the snowball rolls. I think they'll be more likely to take you seriously if you put the effort in to show that you are 'old enough' to make your own decisions.
ReplyDeleteshowing them the blogs would help them understand more most likely
ReplyDeleteHi:) I'm not sure if this is helpful or comforting or such at all, or if this is something you may already be aware of, but many in the field of sociology believe that both gender (as in masculine or feminine behaviour, rather than sex which is only biological) and sexuality are social constructions, rather than innate things. Thus, your ability to be attracted to both sexes and to identify as both genders does not make you different or an outsider in any real sense, but rather perhaps more emotionally and psychologically evolved and less willing to be manipulated by the gender conventions of western society. I'm unsure if this would help in your explaining this to your folks (maybe?), but I do recommend (if you are interested) perhaps reading a few peer reviewed sociological journal articles on sexuality and gender (google scholar should be fine). Peace.
ReplyDelete