Continuing on from my last post, I did forget to mention one thing.
Not so recently, my life with through some very drastic and emotional changes. It's taken me a long time to get over, despite it being my own fault, but using my physical appearance to change who I was during the time I thought I was happy to the person I am now really helped.
Like I said, I don't look how I used to, and I never wish to look like that again, because it will remind me of those times, times gone, way in the past. If I'm no longer the me I was, then I'm happy.
If it was the old me she no longer loves, I have no need to remain as that person, physically. I'll always be Matt, or April, with the same mind set and morals, just with a new guise (you might be able to tell I am enjoying that word). Same guts, new skin.
Nov 20, 2011
A Sudden Theory On Physical Appearance And Social Definition
Why do I look the way I do? For what reason do I feel that I need to look this way? What compels me to give off this appearance?
These are questions I've thought not too long about, but I may have an answer of sorts.
Not so long ago, I used to look so different. I vaguely looked like the way I was, I was, in a way, true to form so to speak. Slowly, through soul searching and self-psychological analysis, my outward guise began to reflect what was really inside. This, in a way was a safeguard for myself. I could always change and still remain myself, giving me that self satisfaction that I wasn't so easy to figure out just by looking at me.
How it actually reflected me was such; I've never been sure of myself, never had a strong assurance that I am a certain way. My mind was an ever changing battle of subtle attempts to fit in and still remaining that odd one out. Nowadays, I have enough self assurance to know, I'm not entirely the odd one out all the time, but from where I'm from, from what I've seen and grown up with, I've rejected their outlook on appearance and taken definition to a further level for myself.
Ever since I was small, small being the start of high school, maybe even a little while further back from then, I believed I was schizophrenic because from situation to situation, my personality would dramatically change to fit where I was, other people determined how I acted, and I still do that to this day, but more so as a defence mechanism. Eventually I realised that I was trying to hard to fit in with everyone, be everyones friend (which was in my personality). Eventually I gave up on all that.
I took a turn in the opposite direction, turn myself into someone who seemed off, socially secure with not being everyone else. At first I thought this seemed selfish, a way to make friends come to me, which in hindsight was never selfish at all, I was tired of making the wrong friends because I had no defining guise. In a world like today, appearance defines first judgement, which sticks with a lot of people. That's why I try to bring myself from the inside out. 'This is how I want to feel today' it could be, or 'This is what I want you to pick up on' at times.
Which brings me to definition.
I can't deny what I am at the moment, nor at any moment should I ever deny myself. For now, I am a man, a musician, an artist of sorts. I am bisexual (although not a defining part of myself, it helps me feel better about it sometimes to reflect that, not that I feel bad about it, sheltered life has just stopped from having that comfort at home). I'm an oddball stoner with a taste for weird and wacky. A feel for the contemporary. I feel that can reflect these things with the way I decorate my limbs and my self from day to day.
Being a man, I feel that for now it's something I can't get rid of, hence why I keep my moustache, the most visible of body hair excluding the scalp. Inside I don't feel so much a man as I do just a being. I shave my legs, my arms, my armpits I reject body hair in a way, keeping that underneath my clothes, it allows that to become a more personal level of being able to define me. I don;t wish everyone to know me straight away, I just want them to know I could be interesting to them. If I don't interest you in the slightest, I'm not bothered, I can't control your opinion with such simple methods as guises.
As a music artist, I wish to become undefinable throughout my career, not in just musical aspects, but in a way of... well, for lack of better words, being not being able to figure me out so easily, not being able to say 'Oh well he does this and this and that's why he does this', if you understand what I mean.
In summary, I dress the way I do because I want you to know me as someone else, not the same guys you already know. I don't care if you don't want to know me, but if I interest you, then you interest me because I caught your eye. I dress the way I feel and the way I am, I may not pull it off all the time, but at least I'm trying, and I'm not trying to not look like everybody else because it's everybody else, I do it to be that fleeting moment of thought in the back of your mind.
I can only hope that made some amount of sense.
These are questions I've thought not too long about, but I may have an answer of sorts.
Not so long ago, I used to look so different. I vaguely looked like the way I was, I was, in a way, true to form so to speak. Slowly, through soul searching and self-psychological analysis, my outward guise began to reflect what was really inside. This, in a way was a safeguard for myself. I could always change and still remain myself, giving me that self satisfaction that I wasn't so easy to figure out just by looking at me.
How it actually reflected me was such; I've never been sure of myself, never had a strong assurance that I am a certain way. My mind was an ever changing battle of subtle attempts to fit in and still remaining that odd one out. Nowadays, I have enough self assurance to know, I'm not entirely the odd one out all the time, but from where I'm from, from what I've seen and grown up with, I've rejected their outlook on appearance and taken definition to a further level for myself.
Ever since I was small, small being the start of high school, maybe even a little while further back from then, I believed I was schizophrenic because from situation to situation, my personality would dramatically change to fit where I was, other people determined how I acted, and I still do that to this day, but more so as a defence mechanism. Eventually I realised that I was trying to hard to fit in with everyone, be everyones friend (which was in my personality). Eventually I gave up on all that.
I took a turn in the opposite direction, turn myself into someone who seemed off, socially secure with not being everyone else. At first I thought this seemed selfish, a way to make friends come to me, which in hindsight was never selfish at all, I was tired of making the wrong friends because I had no defining guise. In a world like today, appearance defines first judgement, which sticks with a lot of people. That's why I try to bring myself from the inside out. 'This is how I want to feel today' it could be, or 'This is what I want you to pick up on' at times.
Which brings me to definition.
I can't deny what I am at the moment, nor at any moment should I ever deny myself. For now, I am a man, a musician, an artist of sorts. I am bisexual (although not a defining part of myself, it helps me feel better about it sometimes to reflect that, not that I feel bad about it, sheltered life has just stopped from having that comfort at home). I'm an oddball stoner with a taste for weird and wacky. A feel for the contemporary. I feel that can reflect these things with the way I decorate my limbs and my self from day to day.
Being a man, I feel that for now it's something I can't get rid of, hence why I keep my moustache, the most visible of body hair excluding the scalp. Inside I don't feel so much a man as I do just a being. I shave my legs, my arms, my armpits I reject body hair in a way, keeping that underneath my clothes, it allows that to become a more personal level of being able to define me. I don;t wish everyone to know me straight away, I just want them to know I could be interesting to them. If I don't interest you in the slightest, I'm not bothered, I can't control your opinion with such simple methods as guises.
As a music artist, I wish to become undefinable throughout my career, not in just musical aspects, but in a way of... well, for lack of better words, being not being able to figure me out so easily, not being able to say 'Oh well he does this and this and that's why he does this', if you understand what I mean.
In summary, I dress the way I do because I want you to know me as someone else, not the same guys you already know. I don't care if you don't want to know me, but if I interest you, then you interest me because I caught your eye. I dress the way I feel and the way I am, I may not pull it off all the time, but at least I'm trying, and I'm not trying to not look like everybody else because it's everybody else, I do it to be that fleeting moment of thought in the back of your mind.
I can only hope that made some amount of sense.
Nov 4, 2011
An Idea.
After looking back at my past blawg posts, I can no longer deny the fact that most of the time I'm a depressing person when I'm on the internet. So I have an idea.
I'm thinking of perhaps starting a second blawg (in which I shall call it a 'blog', for traditions sake of course), in which I relay to you the odd things I seem to find here in the vast universe we call the internet.
Here will remain to be the same blawg it always was, a repository of my thoughts and attempts to purvey the inner workings of my seemingly dark mind.
Now to become un-lethargic so I can create it.
I'm thinking of perhaps starting a second blawg (in which I shall call it a 'blog', for traditions sake of course), in which I relay to you the odd things I seem to find here in the vast universe we call the internet.
Here will remain to be the same blawg it always was, a repository of my thoughts and attempts to purvey the inner workings of my seemingly dark mind.
Now to become un-lethargic so I can create it.
Nov 3, 2011
Image.
I am too much concerned with my image.
I wasn't able to discover this on my own, but it's been at the back of my mind for a long time, but due to some recent events it seems to have been pushed forward. After some serious consideration, I've deduced (and yes, you may think that perhaps deducing things about myself is vaguely redundant) that I am no less vain than anyone else.
I worry about looking normal. I worry about how people perceive me through my words, both written and spoken. I worry about my actions. I'm afraid people aren;t going to see me for what I want them to see of me. The thing is that I'm not really portraying a fake personality or anything (at least not in situations I'm comfortable in being in), I'm just scared of being disliked.
Even the blawg, it's all just a piece of this facade I've created for myself. I was never a great writer, or a great speaker, but I wanted people to know the inner workings of my mind. I started this whole thing too young. I was unable to be serious with it, which was my main objective, so I grew bored.
I'm not sure where I should take this blawg now. Whether I should continue it as is for other peoples sake, or just leave it be, and begin slowly removing all my internet distractions. One day, the only thing I'll ever need the internet for is music.
Being sick puts me in a horrid mindset. Lying in bed all day, alone. I clearly have issues with loneliness. Such a deadly combination, hating being alone and hating yourself. An endless circle of self loathing and hoping someone else doesn't do the same.
I've lost myself here, I'll end it while I still have some sort of cohesive sentence structure.
'til next time,
Matt.
I wasn't able to discover this on my own, but it's been at the back of my mind for a long time, but due to some recent events it seems to have been pushed forward. After some serious consideration, I've deduced (and yes, you may think that perhaps deducing things about myself is vaguely redundant) that I am no less vain than anyone else.
I worry about looking normal. I worry about how people perceive me through my words, both written and spoken. I worry about my actions. I'm afraid people aren;t going to see me for what I want them to see of me. The thing is that I'm not really portraying a fake personality or anything (at least not in situations I'm comfortable in being in), I'm just scared of being disliked.
Even the blawg, it's all just a piece of this facade I've created for myself. I was never a great writer, or a great speaker, but I wanted people to know the inner workings of my mind. I started this whole thing too young. I was unable to be serious with it, which was my main objective, so I grew bored.
I'm not sure where I should take this blawg now. Whether I should continue it as is for other peoples sake, or just leave it be, and begin slowly removing all my internet distractions. One day, the only thing I'll ever need the internet for is music.
Being sick puts me in a horrid mindset. Lying in bed all day, alone. I clearly have issues with loneliness. Such a deadly combination, hating being alone and hating yourself. An endless circle of self loathing and hoping someone else doesn't do the same.
I've lost myself here, I'll end it while I still have some sort of cohesive sentence structure.
'til next time,
Matt.
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