There have been times in my life where I just stop and I feel hopeless. I doesn't happen in abundance as if I had some official form of depression, but it doesn't happen few enough times for me to ignore it.
Just in case you can't already tell, today my menu consists of a hot cafe depresso and some sort of depressing food I can't think of a glorious pun for.
Back on topic, sometimes when this happens, I have the same thought; "This is why I'm so sad", and then it dawns on me that I've thought the exact same thought earlier on in my life. The reason I'm talking about this is because... well to be honest, I don't really know. I just need to vent. On the internet. Fuck, that's sad.
Anywho, the last time this happened it hit me like a ton of bricks. There I was, just lying down being happy, and then silence set in. Me and silence have never had a good relationship. Silence lets me think and when I think, I over-think. And when I over-think, I get emotional and depressed and angry and confused and a whole bunch of negative things. But this time, something completely horrifying dawned on me.
Let me give you a bit of back-story; All my life I've been a loner, more by choice than of lack of friends. In primary school I never truly had any friends, but I wasn't an outcast (or at least I like to think so). I just never got on with anyone enough intellectually. I figured once high school started, I'd finally meet my social equivalent, sadly, I'd chosen to go to Maroondah. Things didn't turn out so well, and I became disappointed in myself for believing a change of scene would be any different from previous years.
Eventually things worked out, I made friends and stuff, but that isn't what I'm trying to get at. My personality has alway leaned towards the way of 'lonerism', and that's the way I was comfortable. It was my nice big spacious beanbag all to myself. When I tried to get comfortable in some other beanbags, I was always either falling or being pushed off.
So, me being a loner being determined, the thing that scares the hell out of me is the fact that I've lost my original beanbag. I'll never be alone. At least not for a long time. And that scares me. A lot.
Now don't get me wrong (on a side note, the 'don't get me wrong' paragraph seems to be a trending thing, I'll get back to it), having friends is nice. It's better than having no-one at all, but I don't like that there's 'always someone there for me'.
I wanna start over. I want a new life. But I'm already in way too deep. My beanbag's far back in the forgotten distance. I'll probably never see it again.
The thing is, I've let people into my life, and then, after I'm too far into it to turn back, I remember why I didn't want them there. I don't want to hurt them, and knowing someone is just one step loser to being able to hurt, either directly or through chain of causality. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I guess my 'pain' is just my punishment for my idiocy.
Someday, I'd like to feel truly alone again. I'd like to be alone without anyone being hurt, but that'll never happen.
Nov 23, 2010
Nov 17, 2010
Full Circle
Something has been worrying me the past few days.
Ever since I posted last, I feel that this blawg here, much like myself, lacks a serious sense of direction. Yeah sure, these are my thoughts, contemplated (most likely overly so) and expressed, but it serves no use to those who wish to be really informed. I feel it's lack of practical use just makes my blawg a waste of cyber space.
Okay, so perhaps I worry to much about mundane things which shouldn't really bother me, but the internet was created to be the 'information super-highway', and I feel I'm contributing the stupification of modern society by blocking some little bit of information that may have changed someone's life.
Okay, but what if my opinion changes someone's perception of something? Valid point... uh... me.
So perhaps this blawg is good for one thing, but my opinion, however crudely translated into some kind of semi formal yet vaguely broken English, isn't exactly the most contemplative or intriguing of all minds. You may think differently but when I put myself into perspective, I'm just an eighteen year old audiophile who thinks too much and prefers typing over writing.
Am I being too hard on myself? I don't know, perhaps I am. The thing is, I'll most likely continue to be this way until I have something consistent to inform people about, and I don't see that happening without money coming my way.Even then, what would I talk to you (you possibly incuding the plausable audience) about? I'd travel around the city and review neat places perhaps. Rate hot chocolates, describe atmospheres, help you picture a better place rather than the dank sinkhole we live in.
On a slightly off note, this whole 'type as I think' dealeo isn't turning out too bad, it increases the length of my blawgs and kind of opens up my mind a little more. Makes me feel better about expressing me I guess.
I feel I've begun to ramble, and like this blawg, this post has no sense of direction... uh oh...
Ever since I posted last, I feel that this blawg here, much like myself, lacks a serious sense of direction. Yeah sure, these are my thoughts, contemplated (most likely overly so) and expressed, but it serves no use to those who wish to be really informed. I feel it's lack of practical use just makes my blawg a waste of cyber space.
Okay, so perhaps I worry to much about mundane things which shouldn't really bother me, but the internet was created to be the 'information super-highway', and I feel I'm contributing the stupification of modern society by blocking some little bit of information that may have changed someone's life.
Okay, but what if my opinion changes someone's perception of something? Valid point... uh... me.
So perhaps this blawg is good for one thing, but my opinion, however crudely translated into some kind of semi formal yet vaguely broken English, isn't exactly the most contemplative or intriguing of all minds. You may think differently but when I put myself into perspective, I'm just an eighteen year old audiophile who thinks too much and prefers typing over writing.
Am I being too hard on myself? I don't know, perhaps I am. The thing is, I'll most likely continue to be this way until I have something consistent to inform people about, and I don't see that happening without money coming my way.Even then, what would I talk to you (you possibly incuding the plausable audience) about? I'd travel around the city and review neat places perhaps. Rate hot chocolates, describe atmospheres, help you picture a better place rather than the dank sinkhole we live in.
On a slightly off note, this whole 'type as I think' dealeo isn't turning out too bad, it increases the length of my blawgs and kind of opens up my mind a little more. Makes me feel better about expressing me I guess.
I feel I've begun to ramble, and like this blawg, this post has no sense of direction... uh oh...
Nov 12, 2010
I Like To Call It 'The Audiophile's Epiphany'.
Hello once again, and an odd one it feels. I feel slightly awkward just typing this, not only because it's been a while since I've updated, but to be honest, I haven't had a single thing to really write about.
Okay, so, perhaps that's a lie, I do have one thing to talk about, and I did try to type it up to share with all my well cherished readers, but I had the hardest time trying to convey such pure and intense emotions in a way that does it justice that I just gave up.
I guess, in a odd way, this blawg will be a blawg about a failed blawg, eventually becoming the blawg it was meant to be. Interesting how things work out.
Recently, I've been collecting more and more music, and I've been diving into some genres I'd never have thought I'd have bothered with two or three years ago. What inspired me to write this blog that failed is Sonic Youth. Rock always seemed like such a broad genre and I tended to avoid looking into in fear of getting lost in a jungle of anthems and egos, but theres something about Sonic Youth that keeps me magnetised to them. It may be they're so experimental while still keeping a standard (to an extent) indie rock sound. It may be their energy as a band, something that I one day hope to have in a band. It may just be that their music is just fantastic. It's most likely all three, but it's the fact that there are so many things that can draw peoples attention, yet they still manage to keep a sound that keeps away those who can't comprehend the real meaning and true feeling of what music is.
But I'm not here to talk about Sonic Youth, I'm here to ask you all a question. Do you ever get that feeling of, in lack of a better way to describe it, when something just speaks to you as if it was made for you and you alone? It doesn't have to be just music, it could be art, it could be clothing, it could be food, whatever it is, it just fills you with this sensation of excitement that you want to share with the world, like you know you were meant to hear, see or taste this certain thing, like it instantaneously changed your perception of your future.
I got this feeling for the first time when I decided one day to go through the 'Free Shit' collection at the trending scene kid store about four or five years ago. I came across a CD with 'Lost In Line' simply written on the blank white surface. I don't know why I took it, perhaps because it was the only one, but I'm glad I did. At that time, the only music I listened to was metal, metal and more metal and nothing else. I remember the day was quite warm, but a sun shower managed to keep me cool for a brief few minutes.
So, skipping ahead, I got home, and placed the CD into the computer I had at the time (which was probably this laptop while it still ran Windows XP) and gave it a listen. None of the tracks were named, but that didn't bother me, the music had started and had me entranced. They were a hardcore pop-punk band, with fast drums and harmonised technical guitar riffs and a raspy yet beautifully harmonised voice and a bassist with fingers to envy. From that day I've never listened to punk the same way. It was the first thing that drove away from what everyone else wanted me to listen to. It felt liberating. Lost In Line still write and release music, supposedly they made it quite big in Japan, and I've listened to their more recent stuff, but none will have an much meaning to me as that single free CD.
The next time I got that feeling, it hit me out of nowhere. I never expected to get that feeling again, but it felt just as glorious the second time. It happened about a year ago, By this time, I'd collected a fair amount of music, but a lot was stuff from the past I'd brushed off because of the genre. I was looking up video test footage for some cameras on YouTube and perhaps it was a combination of the imagery and the music, or perhaps it was the fact I'd never heard anything so simple and so beautiful before (I managed to track the video down, I recommend you give it a look-see, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhskGyTF6VE ). It really just set this understanding in my mind that music isn't about technicality or doing things others don't, it's the way it can make you feel, the way it makes others feel. It's about whatever you want interpret it as. Music is individual to everybody, there is no better or worse, there is just fathomable and less fathomable.
After then, I went on experimenting, trying new music, relishing in things I'd never even heard of. I didn't expect to get that feeling again while I was amidst all this different music, most blowing my mind.
But then BAM. It hit me like a slap on the back of the head. I figured I'd finally give Sonic Youth a listen after listening to the Weezer that wasn't heard on the radio, and I stumbled across this ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwU9tKOmHfk ). I watched in awe, wondering why I'd never bothered. This is what I was missing out on. It's energy is inexplicable.
And here I am now, attempting to explain my passion. To be honest, I don't think it's humanly possible to explain how music makes me feel, even if I had the tongue of Stephen Fry and the ignorance of a small town, home schooled hermit. It's just what I love, it's what I love for.
What do you live for?
Okay, so, perhaps that's a lie, I do have one thing to talk about, and I did try to type it up to share with all my well cherished readers, but I had the hardest time trying to convey such pure and intense emotions in a way that does it justice that I just gave up.
I guess, in a odd way, this blawg will be a blawg about a failed blawg, eventually becoming the blawg it was meant to be. Interesting how things work out.
Recently, I've been collecting more and more music, and I've been diving into some genres I'd never have thought I'd have bothered with two or three years ago. What inspired me to write this blog that failed is Sonic Youth. Rock always seemed like such a broad genre and I tended to avoid looking into in fear of getting lost in a jungle of anthems and egos, but theres something about Sonic Youth that keeps me magnetised to them. It may be they're so experimental while still keeping a standard (to an extent) indie rock sound. It may be their energy as a band, something that I one day hope to have in a band. It may just be that their music is just fantastic. It's most likely all three, but it's the fact that there are so many things that can draw peoples attention, yet they still manage to keep a sound that keeps away those who can't comprehend the real meaning and true feeling of what music is.
But I'm not here to talk about Sonic Youth, I'm here to ask you all a question. Do you ever get that feeling of, in lack of a better way to describe it, when something just speaks to you as if it was made for you and you alone? It doesn't have to be just music, it could be art, it could be clothing, it could be food, whatever it is, it just fills you with this sensation of excitement that you want to share with the world, like you know you were meant to hear, see or taste this certain thing, like it instantaneously changed your perception of your future.
I got this feeling for the first time when I decided one day to go through the 'Free Shit' collection at the trending scene kid store about four or five years ago. I came across a CD with 'Lost In Line' simply written on the blank white surface. I don't know why I took it, perhaps because it was the only one, but I'm glad I did. At that time, the only music I listened to was metal, metal and more metal and nothing else. I remember the day was quite warm, but a sun shower managed to keep me cool for a brief few minutes.
So, skipping ahead, I got home, and placed the CD into the computer I had at the time (which was probably this laptop while it still ran Windows XP) and gave it a listen. None of the tracks were named, but that didn't bother me, the music had started and had me entranced. They were a hardcore pop-punk band, with fast drums and harmonised technical guitar riffs and a raspy yet beautifully harmonised voice and a bassist with fingers to envy. From that day I've never listened to punk the same way. It was the first thing that drove away from what everyone else wanted me to listen to. It felt liberating. Lost In Line still write and release music, supposedly they made it quite big in Japan, and I've listened to their more recent stuff, but none will have an much meaning to me as that single free CD.
The next time I got that feeling, it hit me out of nowhere. I never expected to get that feeling again, but it felt just as glorious the second time. It happened about a year ago, By this time, I'd collected a fair amount of music, but a lot was stuff from the past I'd brushed off because of the genre. I was looking up video test footage for some cameras on YouTube and perhaps it was a combination of the imagery and the music, or perhaps it was the fact I'd never heard anything so simple and so beautiful before (I managed to track the video down, I recommend you give it a look-see, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhskGyTF6VE ). It really just set this understanding in my mind that music isn't about technicality or doing things others don't, it's the way it can make you feel, the way it makes others feel. It's about whatever you want interpret it as. Music is individual to everybody, there is no better or worse, there is just fathomable and less fathomable.
After then, I went on experimenting, trying new music, relishing in things I'd never even heard of. I didn't expect to get that feeling again while I was amidst all this different music, most blowing my mind.
But then BAM. It hit me like a slap on the back of the head. I figured I'd finally give Sonic Youth a listen after listening to the Weezer that wasn't heard on the radio, and I stumbled across this ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwU9tKOmHfk ). I watched in awe, wondering why I'd never bothered. This is what I was missing out on. It's energy is inexplicable.
And here I am now, attempting to explain my passion. To be honest, I don't think it's humanly possible to explain how music makes me feel, even if I had the tongue of Stephen Fry and the ignorance of a small town, home schooled hermit. It's just what I love, it's what I love for.
What do you live for?
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