Her.

There's a certain someone who, for multiple reasons, I admire. She's smart, she does what she wants, she's kind, she's confident and mostly, she's living her life. I don't talk to her much, or now that I think about it, at all and I don't know if she ever reads my blogs, considering we post on different sites, but I don't mind if she doesn't see this.

We were friends for a while. She and I weren't terribly close, but I was the bi guy she liked to talk with for a while and ask raunchy questions. I slightly miss being the weirdo that people felt they could vaguely relate to. There was a small while that I had a crush on her, but I don't think it was mutual. We could talk at a more intellectual level and just stay up all night just talking deeply about trivial things. I miss her, I have a lot to thank her for.

For all intents and purposes, we'll call her Thirteen for now.

Thirteen moved away a while ago, and started her life on foreign ground, a thing I hope to do someday. That's the first thing I admire her for. Thirteen had the courage to get up, get out and leave most of it behind.

Thirteen never really cared much about what people thought of her, nor does she now. She was always confident in what she thought was right, correct or not. This may have caused misunderstandings with dramaticism of teenage life while she was still here, but it never brought Thirteen down.

Thirteen does what she likes. Not in the manipulative 'Mean Girls' stereotype kind of way, more like a 'I wanna make a short film, let's go.' kind of way. I suppose this is the part I envy the most.

Anyways, I feel that, in my mind, as I type this, I'm comparing myself to Thirteen and seeing where I go and have went wrong. I suppose it betters me. One day I'll feel better. One day.

A Haiku.

For a while now, as a way to stop FaceBook from killing off what's left of my braincells, I've been writing every status as a haiku, and so far the most elaborate one I wrote (I believe) has gone somewhat unnoticed, so I thought I should post it here, so people who can appreciate it can see it.

Finally the heat,

Of the upcoming summer,

Has made itself home.

It feels different, 

...From when I knew I had things,

The next day to do.

Now it feels like change,

To be uninhibited, 

Oh so refreshing. 

Since then, I still do the haiku's, but now I leave music suggestions that will probably be fobbed off by those who know little of my musical broadness (not to sound pompous or anything). 

Right now it's raining and horrible. I suppose I jumped the gun with that one.

Damnit Hormones.

There have been times in my life where I just stop and I feel hopeless. I doesn't happen in abundance as if I had some official form of depression, but it doesn't happen few enough times for me to ignore it.

Just in case you can't already tell, today my menu consists of a hot cafe depresso and some sort of depressing food I can't think of a glorious pun for.

Back on topic, sometimes when this happens, I have the same thought; "This is why I'm so sad", and then it dawns on me that I've thought the exact same thought earlier on in my life. The reason I'm talking about this is because... well to be honest, I don't really know. I just need to vent. On the internet. Fuck, that's sad.

Anywho, the last time this happened it hit me like a ton of bricks. There I was, just lying down being happy, and then silence set in. Me and silence have never had a good relationship. Silence lets me think and when I think, I over-think. And when I over-think, I get emotional and depressed and angry and confused and a whole bunch of negative things. But this time, something completely horrifying dawned on me.

Let me give you a bit of back-story; All my life I've been a loner, more by choice than of lack of friends. In primary school I never truly had any friends, but I wasn't an outcast (or at least I like to think so). I just never got on with anyone enough intellectually. I figured once high school started, I'd finally meet my social equivalent, sadly, I'd chosen to go to Maroondah. Things didn't turn out so well, and I became disappointed in myself for believing a change of scene would be any different from previous years.

Eventually things worked out, I made friends and stuff, but that isn't what I'm trying to get at. My personality has alway leaned towards the way of 'lonerism', and that's the way I was comfortable. It was my nice big spacious beanbag all to myself. When I tried to get comfortable in some other beanbags, I was always either falling or being pushed off.

So, me being a loner being determined, the thing that scares the hell out of me is the fact that I've lost my original beanbag. I'll never be alone. At least not for a long time. And that scares me. A lot.

Now don't get me wrong (on a side note, the 'don't get me wrong' paragraph seems to be a trending thing, I'll get back to it), having friends is nice. It's better than having no-one at all, but I don't like that there's 'always someone there for me'.

I wanna start over. I want a new life. But I'm already in way too deep. My beanbag's far back in the forgotten distance. I'll probably never see it again.

The thing is, I've let people into my life, and then, after I'm too far into it to turn back, I remember why I didn't want them there. I don't want to hurt them, and knowing someone is just one step loser to being able to hurt, either directly or through chain of causality. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I guess my 'pain' is just my punishment for my idiocy.

Someday, I'd like to feel truly alone again. I'd like to be alone without anyone being hurt, but that'll never happen.

Full Circle

Something has been worrying me the past few days.

Ever since I posted last, I feel that this blawg here, much like myself, lacks a serious sense of direction. Yeah sure, these are my thoughts, contemplated (most likely overly so) and expressed, but it serves no use to those who wish to be really informed. I feel it's lack of practical use just makes my blawg a waste of cyber space.

Okay, so perhaps I worry to much about mundane things which shouldn't really bother me, but the internet was created to be the 'information super-highway', and I feel I'm contributing the stupification of modern society by blocking some little bit of information that may have changed someone's life.

Okay, but what if my opinion changes someone's perception of something? Valid point... uh... me.

So perhaps this blawg is good for one thing, but my opinion, however crudely translated into some kind of semi formal yet vaguely broken English, isn't exactly the most contemplative or intriguing of all minds. You may think differently but when I put myself into perspective, I'm just an eighteen year old audiophile who thinks too much and prefers typing over writing.

Am I being too hard on myself? I don't know, perhaps I am. The thing is, I'll most likely continue to be this way until I have something consistent to inform people about, and I don't see that happening without money coming my way.Even then, what would I talk to you (you possibly incuding the plausable audience) about? I'd travel around the city and review neat places perhaps. Rate hot chocolates, describe atmospheres, help you picture a better place rather than the dank sinkhole we live in.

On a slightly off note, this whole 'type as I think' dealeo isn't turning out too bad, it increases the length of my blawgs and kind of opens up my mind a little more. Makes me feel better about expressing me I guess.

I feel I've begun to ramble, and like this blawg, this post has no sense of direction... uh oh...

I Like To Call It 'The Audiophile's Epiphany'.

Hello once again, and an odd one it feels. I feel slightly awkward just typing this, not only because it's been a while since I've updated, but to be honest, I haven't had a single thing to really write about.

Okay, so, perhaps that's a lie, I do have one thing to talk about, and I did try to type it up to share with all my well cherished readers, but I had the hardest time trying to convey such pure and intense emotions in a way that does it justice that I just gave up.

I guess, in a odd way, this blawg will be a blawg about a failed blawg, eventually becoming the blawg it was meant to be. Interesting how things work out.

Recently, I've been collecting more and more music, and I've been diving into some genres I'd never have thought I'd have bothered with two or three years ago. What inspired me to write this blog that failed is Sonic Youth. Rock always seemed like such a broad genre and I tended to avoid looking into in fear of getting lost in a jungle of anthems and egos, but theres something about Sonic Youth that keeps me magnetised to them. It may be they're so experimental while still keeping a standard (to an extent) indie rock sound. It may be their energy as a band, something that I one day hope to have in a band. It may just be that their music is just fantastic. It's most likely all three, but it's the fact that there are so many things that can draw peoples attention, yet they still manage to keep a sound that keeps away those who can't comprehend the real meaning and true feeling of what music is.

But I'm not here to talk about Sonic Youth, I'm here to ask you all a question. Do you ever get that feeling of, in lack of a better way to describe it, when something just speaks to you as if it was made for you and you alone? It doesn't have to be just music, it could be art, it could be clothing, it could be food, whatever it is, it just fills you with this sensation of excitement that you want to share with the world, like you know you were meant to hear, see or taste this certain thing, like it instantaneously changed your perception of your future.

I got this feeling for the first time when I decided one day to go through the 'Free Shit' collection at the trending scene kid store about four or five years ago. I came across a CD with 'Lost In Line' simply written on the blank white surface. I don't know why I took it, perhaps because it was the only one, but I'm glad I did. At that time, the only music I listened to was metal, metal and more metal and nothing else. I remember the day was quite warm, but a sun shower managed to keep me cool for a brief few minutes.

So, skipping ahead, I got home, and placed the CD into the computer I had at the time (which was probably this laptop while it still ran Windows XP) and gave it a listen. None of the tracks were named, but that didn't bother me, the music had started and had me entranced. They were a hardcore pop-punk band, with fast drums and harmonised technical guitar riffs and a raspy yet beautifully harmonised voice and a bassist with fingers to envy. From that day I've never listened to punk the same way. It was the first thing that drove away from what everyone else wanted me to listen to. It felt liberating. Lost In Line still write and release music, supposedly they made it quite big in Japan, and I've listened to their more recent stuff, but none will have an much meaning to me as that single free CD.

The next time I got that feeling, it hit me out of nowhere. I never expected to get that feeling again, but it felt just as glorious the second time. It happened about a year ago, By this time, I'd collected a fair amount of music, but a lot was stuff from the past I'd brushed off because of the genre. I was looking up video test footage for some cameras on YouTube and perhaps it was a combination of the imagery and the music, or perhaps it was the fact I'd never heard anything so simple and so beautiful before (I managed to track the video down, I recommend you give it a look-see, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhskGyTF6VE ). It really just set this understanding in my mind that music isn't about technicality or doing things others don't, it's the way it can make you feel, the way it makes others feel. It's about whatever you want interpret it as. Music is individual to everybody, there is no better or worse, there is just fathomable and less fathomable.

After then, I went on experimenting, trying new music, relishing in things I'd never even heard of. I didn't expect to get that feeling again while I was amidst all this different music, most blowing my mind.

But then BAM. It hit me like a slap on the back of the head. I figured I'd finally give Sonic Youth a listen after listening to the Weezer that wasn't heard on the radio, and I stumbled across this ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwU9tKOmHfk ). I watched in awe, wondering why I'd never bothered. This is what I was missing out on. It's energy is inexplicable.

And here I am now, attempting to explain my passion. To be honest, I don't think it's humanly possible to explain how music makes me feel, even if I had the tongue of Stephen Fry and the ignorance of a small town, home schooled hermit. It's just what I love, it's what I love for.

What do you live for?

My Mixtape Mind.

There's been something troubling me recently, It's not a real life worry, it's more a complex thought that I tend to over-elaborate on. Perhaps blogging about it will give me some sort of piece of mind.


I've recently become more aware of what defines a hipster. I've always known what a hipster was, but never really called them hipsters or knew anything about them except that they were a pretentious when it came to music taste and lifestyle. It was never the kind of person I wanted to be (the pretentious part that is), but current events have shown me that I'm much more hipster than I ever thought I was.


So I did a bit of research into the stereotypical image of the hipster, which knowing a few myself, actually held true for the most part. But my main concern was that half of the things mentioned applied to me. It concerns me a little to think I've fallen into the most wankerish of stereotypes. Things such as seeking out and preferring underground and unknown bands, having a soft spot for post-modern rock and/or electro, hoodies, v-neck shirts, tight jeans, fedoras, overuse of outdated sayings, the list goes on.


But there have been a few major thing about the stereotypical hipster than I don't do, which leads me to think I'm either not a hipster, or some sort of neo-hipster or pseudo-hipster if you will. Things such as (and this is a major one) admitting to the fact I'm a hipster. I can admit that I act like a hipster sometimes, which automatically makes me not a hipster. It's odd to think about. Hipsters seem to have a liking for coffee, which I really can't stand. Fixed gear bikes seem to be the preferred mode of transport, which I just see as unconventional. I don't care if a band comes up from the underground, if they're a good band and it doesn't change their music, I'm content. I try not to presume I'm the only person around me who's heard a certain band, although that does tend to be the case a lot. The hipster's blogging service of choice seems to be Tumblr, which I can't stand.


Also, I fucking hate triangles.


Now, does this make me some sort of double hipster because I reject the general hipsters social standards, or does this just leave me in a league of my own? It's hard feeling individual when you're 60% of a predetermined agenda.

Spring In My Swagger.

There's something about spring that just lightens spirits. That sun hits you and you just feel... less shit really.


I walk out today and I'm just hit with a short burst of midday sun. It makes me feel better about my day, that perhaps there is some sort of inspiration left in me. Sure, I have a hangover and my head feels like bricks (Thank you Jägerbombs), but that sun, just... wow.


Today I feel better about life. Not about people. People are still the same. But today I feel I can tolerate just a little more than usual.


I'm glad this winter has finally passed.

It has become increasingly obvious to me that I'm really not so good at blogging. As far as blogs, this one is pretty pointless. It doesn't really relay any relevant information or help anyone with anything. All it has to offer is the venting of my life.

Even with that singular reason for existing, I have been thinking that I think a lot less lately (Yes, a paradox I know) and I now have even less things to talk about. It's not that I've become any more melancholic or sad, and it's definitely not because I've gone and got a life, if anything, it's the exact opposite of that. I've had nothing to do except school and the band.

But don't worry, I won't be leaving my spot on the internet. I'll probably just be updating a little less. Well, until something interesting happens that is.

I'm All The Rage In Latvia.

You may have noticed it's been over a week since I last posted a blawg.

You haven't?

Oh.

I see...

Well... I guess I'll inform as to why.

There's a few reasons as to why this is. First of all, something a little distressing has come to my attention, not that it bothers me all too much, it just continues to baffle me.

There are some blawgs out there made by people I know and people that are close to people I know, and all these blawgs, and I mean all, are getting close to probably four times the amount of popularity and views I'm receiving here at this blawg of mine.

It's not a selfish thing either, it baffles some of them too. I guess it's the way I write or something.

Secondly is the fact I've been somewhat busy as of recent. With my band going into recording and trying to keep up at school, I haven't had all too much time to do my own thing.

On the topic of the band, we're about three quarters of the way through recording our demo EP thing. I'm looking forward to finishing this and distributing our sound where we can.

Anyways, that's really all I can think of writing right now, my brain is a bit clogged and I'm not my usual lingual self.

My Own Personal Edge.

For some reason, unbeknown to me, my cousin feels that going straight edge for a month is somewhat of a good idea. I know. Crazy. Don't ask me.


But it got me thinking. What's the one thing I couldn't live without for a month. Then it hit me. Oxygen.


Lol jokes.


Seriously though, the one thing I couldn't live without for at least a week would be music. I think I would go mental if I were to go a month without it.


I'm not even gonna try that. That would just be cruel and unusual.

I Take It Back.

A few blawg posts ago, I claimed I couldn't/wouldn't use Linux (specifically Ubuntu) as my 'primary OS'. As I sat here on this laptop that has had little to no problems since I installed Ubuntu on it, I realised something. There has been NO PROBLEMS.


Now you might be thinking, "Okay but I have no problems with Windows Matt.", well I always have. I had problems with Windows 7 on my iMac, I had XP die on this laptop and Windows 7 on this laptop runs like a crusty turd on a slide made of cement.


But this blawg post isn't to slander on other OS's, at least not this one. This one is to say I think I now have enough trust in Ubuntu to be able to use it to store my music and movies and important files etc.


"...but what caused this revelation?!" you may be thinking. Well just think about it. This laptop is going on archaic. Windows will not run on it properly, even though it was designed for XP. I have had no problems, even WITH my Windows partition still intact. I think that's enough convincing.


Also, on a side note, I may be starting up a new blawg for music and other awesome things perhaps. Don't worry, my personal blog will stay here, I'm not leaving you loyal readers.

unteligents* Presents:

This is what a few days and decent idea can do.

The Great Nowhere Adventure.

I'm not entirely in the mood to write up a blog right now, but it's been over a week since my last blog and I figure I owe it to my followers.


Since my last blog I have accomplished a whole bunch of not much. I've gone out for a walk twice and have run out of cigarettes, drank Home Brand cola out of a sponge and not a lot else. Probably the closest thing to an achievement I've done is start filming a new web series and managed to get some decent camera angles (The trailer will be up on YouTube, and I might post it here in my blog, after a little bit more editing).


My internet is still a douche cake.


Tuesdays have become the worst day of the week. It starts off with we making up early for one, then I'm on the train for a half hour. By the time I get to TAFE I'm almost asleep again, then I have to listen to some crap about making 3D models, which I myself couldn't give two shits about. Sure a nice 3D model will impress me but I don't want to know how to make one. About ten minutes into this class, I'm already fighting off sleep like a bear with chainsaws for hands and wolves for feet. Luckily it's saved by the second class, which for the moment is focusing on movies and filming.


I'm a little tense. People annoy me. Hopefully Saturday will roll around faster. I could use a bit of R&M time actually.

Pleasantries.

Today has been somewhat different, and I'm not entirely sure how to feel about it.

It started out somewhat unpleasant, as I had a trip to the dentist to get fillings. Like most people, I am not a fan of dentists but I'm not deadly afraid of them either, but never having had filling before, it was a nerving experience.

To my surprise, it was quite painless and quick, which put me in quite a good mood. So later on I decided to go for a walk, as I do enjoy a nice stroll, and having found my old iPod, I wasn't musicless (because I left my current iPod in a friend's car).

So off I went, and about 5 minutes in it started to drizzle, heavily enough to be annoying that is. I figured it would stay like that for a while so I kept on walking. I underestimated how long my walk would take. Surely enough it began to rain harder, and harder. Lucky enough for me I always wear two hoodies to keep warm. Yeah I know what you're thinking, 'FUCK this guy's fashionable', and you'd be too darn right.

So here I am now, telling you about my day.


Also, One thing that has recently disappointed me is a bunch of movies that claim to be highly disturbing. I have obtained some of those that claim to be high on the list. They are not disturbing. Internet, I am disappoint.

Have You Ever Thought About It?

Think about the things you do everyday. Perhaps you read, perhaps you play video games, perhaps you write blogs, it could be a plethora of things. Now, imagine all the things you do within a day (not counting checking your Facebook mindlessly, hitting refresh over and over) without the internet.

It just dawned on me recently, I seriously don't know what I'd be doing right now if the internet didn't exist. I mean right now I'm sitting here, talking to a girl across the world, sampling some new music, downloading some more music and researching into albums I might enjoy AND typing up this blog.

All these things I'm doing right now could still be done if the internet didn't exist of course, but the mediums they'd be done through would be a lot slower, and a lot less simple.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, without the internet, most likely everyone you know would be someone different. I think I trailed off from what I was originally thinking...

In conclusion, I love the internet, not Facebook, and I wish more people would use the internet to benefit there lives because a lot of people still don't seem to realise that's what it's there for.

For Lack Of A Better Name.

Yeah I couldn't think of a name, what of it? I'm a bit tired and most likely won't be my usual lingual self.


Things have been moving quite slow recently. It's not that a lot hasn't been happening, but the progression of events just seems slower than usual. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but for now this is the best I can do.


Due to things moving slow, my ability to come up with ideas for a blog have been scarce. Perhaps I should just get blazed and get amazed by shit. Oh wow, that was tight, I should be an underground rapper.


Of all the things that have happened as of recent, the only thing I can consider worth writing about is that fact that I will be speaking with an american accent for a year. Yeah you heard me. Dare you doubt my ability to look and feel stupid? I do that shit everyday without even breaking a sweat.


Yeah, I'm gonna go get blazed more.

Why I Could Never Fully Switch To Linux.

I figured you'd all read about music from me, so I though I'd switch to that other thing that occupies my mind, operating systems.


Now for those who know me intimately, which (I assume) few do, You'd know I have all three operating systems situated in my room, an iMac, which is my main machine, and the laptop on which I type up this blog, which contains both Ubuntu and Windows 7, and if you know me well you'd know I'm not the biggest fan of Microsoft, but I digress.


As much as I highly enjoy the latest Ubuntu release  (10.04 for the record), I don't think I could ever use it as my primary OS, not for a while anyways, and here I explain why.


Firstly, it's just not ready to be a primary operating system. Sure it offers everything you need in an OS, with multiple options for each task, but it's not like other operating systems. Let me explain. It's not like Mac OS X or (and I can't believe I'm saying this) Windows in the way that you can't just jump on it and expect it to be able to do anything you want it to with no problems. It's like having an engine and you're expected to build the chassis. Sure, at this point there's a very helpful manual and a bunch of people willing to help, but sometimes there's going to be problems where you're basically rooted.


Secondly, and probably finally because my main concern is stability, is myself. An operating system that's completely open source is an amazing thing, but I feel bad not being able to contribute back to the community that has given me an alternative to Windows that isn't as bad as or worse than Windows. Also, I just don't feel I'm an expert when it comes to Linux, let alone Ubuntu. When I put trust in an OS, I like to know as much as I can about it, and with Ubuntu, or Linux in general, I just don't feel I know enough.


At this point, I feel Ubuntu has come amazingly far, but I think it will be a while before I can trust an OS as much as I do Mac OS X.

Hostility.

If there's one thing I've noticed on my many years of perusing the YouTubes, is that very few commenters are nice, calm or willing to admit they're wrong. Now these peeves me a little.

Now, being a self professed 'Internet Connoisseur', I realise that the internet itself isn't exactly the calmest of places. Everyone has there opinion and everyone thinks they're the only one that's right. Kinda like religion.

But the main reason this makes me tick is when it comes to music (which seems to be a trending topic in my series of thought lately), which is an art, people get so caught up in who is 'better' and attack people that don't like the song, or commenting that the song is so horrible and everyone who listens to it is an idiot.

Firstly, if you don't like a song, why are you listening to it? And then taking the time out of your day to come up with a comment degrading it? Your life is pointless, go die.

Secondly, no band or musician is better than any other. Music, like all art, is subject to opinion and taste. Something a lot of people can't seem grasp is some people like to be told what to like by the TV, the radio or their scene, and other like to seek out more diverse and different sounds.


I really hate when people try to argue about things they don't understand, but as much I hate people, people aren't going to change.


In summary, if you don't like it, leave it alone. Other people are allowed to like it.

Music & Money

Something I've never been able to comprehend is why people are still charging money for music.

Let me explain a little bit. In this day and age, where pretty much anything can be done on or with a computer, people still act as if they worked so very hard to make there music into a mp3 file or what have you.

Now I admit, it's all not as simple as it sounds, and yes there are artists who use computers and are very intricate and precise, and those I commend, but if it's not going onto any physical media like a CD (or tapes for all you hipsters), why should any money be charged for it?

Essentially, all you're paying for is sound, and in what universe does that make sense to pay to use one of your senses? (no pun intended)

When (or IF for that matter) I release my solo project, it's gonna be free for all. Hell, I'll even convert it to tape if someone wants me to. Music is my passion, and no-one should have to pay to have to hear my interpretation of art.

A New Angle.

Today I stood in a corner of the shower in which I have never stood before (don't ask me how, our shower is tiny) and it blew my mind. I then tried to see it in other ways. I bet if someone had have been watching, I'd have looked like a retard.

I wish I had enough money for that damn camera already, damn me not having a job.

Uh... Okay, Wait Nah... Oh Mayb- Naaaah.

I have been sitting here for an hour trying to think of something interesting or decent to type up for all of you to read.


My mind consists of Linux, aleatoricism, snow jackets and my sever lack of money.


This saddens me.

Thought of the day.

Since when did sound cost money?

Contentment Is...

...getting another can of Pepsi.

Disappointment Is...

...lifting a can of Pepsi and feeling no weight to it whatsoever, but you still take a sip anyways, and only get that little bit of backwash left on the rim on the can.

It hurts just as much every time.

Fitness & Me.

Not two things you'd assume go together, well if you knew me anyways. With my diet, I'd think it was a near impossibility.

But I bring this up because I'm trying to get fit. I walk everyday for an odd hour everyday, and exercise when I can be bothered (which is not a lot at my current state of fitness).

Just thought it was something to talk about. I'll shut up now.

Okay, so...

I know I've done this blog before, but I really keep forgetting I have this blog. Although I don't see why an apology is needed, no-one really reads this anyways. Well, not yet.

Just know I'm gonna try and keep shit up.

Damn You Macca's Free WiFi!

Oh how easily you've have managed to pull oh so very many of us freeloading nerds and geeks. Very smart move. It kinda feels weird to think that McDonald's, of all places, would be the largest free WiFi provider in all Australia, and probably America too.

C'mon Hungry Jacks! Where are you?! You're falling behind. You're extremely delicious and everything but you don't have free internet so I can sit in your restaurants and blog about getting free internet. How could you do this to me?!

I really should be cutting down on the fast food though, trying to lose weight is hard with the offer of free WiFi when you buy a large 6 nugget value meal being waved in front of you.

At least walking everyday should be doing me good.

'til next time,
Matt.
xx