Some Nights.

Some nights I lye awake, wondering if other people struggle as much as I do to comprehend their own existence.

All I have are questions, one in which I obviously can't answer myself, but right now I question the point of even asking them in the first place. I feel awful and horrid for having to question why I feel so bad for just being. Is it just me naturally going through the stages of dealing with being a tranny, or is this my melancholic pessimistic self? What reason do I have to feel victimised? Why do I even feel victimised?

I'm afraid of my own existence. I accept my mortality and at a base level my being a human, but beyond that, on an emotional level, on a psychological level, I have extreme amount of trouble accepting myself for who I am and how it affects the world around me.

Some nights, much like tonight, I lye awake, struggling to comprehend my own existence.

And The Pendulum Swings.

I'm happy...

...but I'm completely miserable.

Life's going awesome...

...but everything sucks and I couldn't hate myself more.

Perhaps I should explain.

As most readers should know, or at least be able to deduce, it's been a while since my last post. I mentioned about three posts ago how things were beginning to look up in the way of my transgender 'issues', and they did. I went and had an appointment at the clinic everything went great, and then that's where it all began to fall apart.

I had my sneaking suspicions, Mum acting the way she was about it, that she was hoping an appointment and actually talking to someone would deter me from going any further, and oh how right I was. An insult to my intelligence and a waste of my time. Like I haven't dealt with this shit for Sol knows how long, it took me long enough to admit it to her, now she teases me with this 'Oh here's what you wan-YOINK SORRY BUT NO' bullshit. I know that's not how she intended it to be and I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not, but fuck Mum, that shit was unintentionally cruel.

I have a lot of trouble admitting this, but hey, why hide the truth. I hate myself more and more as each day goes by. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself or have to look ay myself in a mirror, I'm just filled with immense sorrow, extreme anger, severe self-hatred, and it all points inwards. It's not healthy and I hate it because I know what could fix this, but when I feel this I just feel selfish. I don't have the money to pay for appointments or meds, but I don't expect anyone to have to pay for me, I'd just feel bad. I'm just bitter over the opportunity being fully presented and then snatched away. It brings me to tears.

All I can blame is myself for being what I am, and I know I shouldn't, but the way I'm treated, and people like me with gender issues, makes me feel alienated, different, like some kind of patient that's kinda sick but only wants a cure. I'm not sick, I don't have dysphoria (to a medical extent), I'm just a girl. Why can't I just be a girl?

On a lighter note, I'm not alone in my constant struggle to hold onto the silver lining. A relationship born from alcoholism and a mutual view on gender binaries, with impeccable timing, possibly saving me from another mental breakdown. I don't really want to go too much into it, I don't wanna look like I'm bragging, but I have some happiness in my life that I can relax around. If there's anything I need right now it's to be able to relax and forget about everything, especially seeing as TAFE is back on.

Life is good, but shit's fucked. I still hate myself but I don't feel alone and distant.
'til next time.
Mat.

Doublin' Down, Hit Me.

21.

A milestone? Nah. An achievement? Considering my diet and the way I live, yeah kinda. Worth celebrating? Maybe.

Today I enter my third decade of residing on planet Earth.

Just another day in between the past and future.

Viva la Resolution

I stopped making new years resolutions a thing a long time, back when I came to realise I'd generally forget what they were by the time February had come, but something has come over me, compelling me to try just one more time.

I'm not sure what it could be that compels me. Me turning 21? Being out of school for three years and achieving little to nothing? Being so bored I'm content with walking headfirst into everything? It could be any of these things, or a multitude of other nonsensical and ridiculous reasons, but the fact remains, I feel like making a resolution. The only ones I've had in the past that I can remember were just becoming a more peaceful and humble person, which I think turned out not too bad, but who am I to say.

But you don't care about my old ones, you're reading and thinking "Just hurry up and tell your stupid new resolution so I can be on my way.", and I'd say I'm getting better at mind reading... Bad joke, okay. But in some seriousness (not all, we can't have too much seriousness in here, my other posts would get jealous), I feel that as an artist, saying this in the least pretentious way possible, I haven't been arty enough. My creative mojo has been living with a drought, most likely due to an excess of 'creative stimulants' the kids these days like to share around. This creative drought has left me feeling pointless, drained, bored and just all around majorly 'meh'.

So naturally, to cure this I must remedy this somehow, which gets me to my resolution. 2013 will mark the beginning of my somewhat but not overly pretentious and annoying arty era, or MSBNOPAE for short (still working on a name for it, but it's art, that's perfectly acceptable). Gonna put my creative in a jumpstart, push out some tracks and albums, maybe work on drawing and get back into the whole design thing. I'll still be me, the humble but sometimes overemotional tranny, but now I'll just be taking pictures of myself claiming it to be 'part of a piece'.

So yes, 2013, expect more art from me, but don't really 'coz I suck a resolutions.

Also, someone give me some questions or some topics or something, by the end of the year all I've really got to talk about is christmas and that I'm getting older, it'd be mad boring for you guys.

'til next time,
Mat.

Punny Disposition.

Right now I'm not sure if I'm in the kind of mood to be blurting out words that poorly attempt to reflect my emotional status. Not that I'm sad, I just haven't had this feeling for a while. I'd like to think I may just be becoming more of a humble person, but probably not.

Alright, talking about how I can't talk is boring, here goes nothing.

If anything, I've been happy most recently. Being social and chilling out has highly improved my overall state of mind, which, of course, is good. I can't deny that I've struck a bit of luck with the company I've chosen to keep. If so, I'm not sure if the whole going out thing would be half as fun. So my head's in the right place for a while, which is great, especially seeing as the whole gender clinic waiting ordeal has been sorted. In mid January I finally get to actually start what I started almost a year ago (December 5th, so pretty much actually a year, oh gosh).

They're lucky I'm a patient person, otherwise not telling me I had an appointment in August might have really pissed me off.

It looks like this one's gonna be a short one.

Uncomfortable.

My mum may not be quite as comfortable with my gender issues as I once thought. Not to say that's a bad thing, she's a parent, I'm the first born boy, I feel bad enough for that as it is, but the fact that the subject is so eagerly avoided and brushed over goes down highly unappreciated on my end.

I have a huge problem with bringing up issues about anything, I feel like I've been treated like the boy who cried wolf in a sense that I've had so many issues that bringing it up is like "Oh, just another fucking 'issue' again", like what I say about how I feel has little to no validity. The 'it's just you being a teenager, you'll outgrow it' approach seemed to be the main approach to all my problems, which by the way, never helped, and at times just made things worse.

I've learned to deal with a lot (or almost all) of issues entirely on my own, I don't like to go to people and bother them with my shit, a habit developed from feeling like I was never taken seriously by Mum. I can empathise with other people and it's given me the ability to be able to listen much better, but when it comes to caring for myself and sorting my issues out, I almost refuse help, and at times I've idiotically completely ignored it.

I can forgive Mum for not helping me out (mentally) throughout my teen years, some of my problems were just dumb teen problems, but I wasn't exactly a normal teen, so teen problems were few and far apart, but not talking about my most serious problem to date and seemingly (though probably not) the beginning of a series of the hardest issues I'm going to have to go through kinda hurts me more than the fact that she doesn't want to talk about it.

I mean, yes I have some solid friends who have come to me and said they're there for me whenever, and I appreciate it so much, but I have a hard time being able to talk to them about it. I don't imagine it's simply because I can't talk about it comfortably with my mum, but she was there for me all my life, more so than Dad was, not to say he's not a great dad, he's just not the emotional type, at all. The fact that she actually can't help me makes me feel entirely helpless, which is dumb, because I'm not.

The fact that I also lost most of my friends a few years back and only had one person to confide in kinda fucked me up a bit mentally, especially due to what was going on at the time. No names, but if I could talk to said person in a relaxed environment where everything between us was cool, I'd probably actually be really happy, not this fake happy I've figured out how to live with (what a fuckin' emo).

I'm lost, I'm scared, I feel alone, but I try to keep a happy face, even if it is just a mask. If I've learned anything from the last five years it's that pretending to be happy is heaps easier than actually being sad. Well, at least from a social standpoint.

Fuck, all I seems to be fucking talking about is my gender shit. I wouldn't be surprised if you all stopped coming here.

'til the next time I feel bored and depressed.
Mat.